America the Pitiful: A Comprehensive Guide to Why Our Next President Will Suck!

This is part 2 of a two-part series on the 2016 United States Presidential Election. To read part 1, click here.


In part 1 of this blog, we looked at the seven remaining presidential candidates and their relevant work history. Using the same process I would use if I were looking through resumes for a (far less critical) position at my company. Using this process we were able to narrow down the field from seven to four by eliminating the wholly unqualified candidates; Carson, Cruz, and Trump (Bernie Sanders really should have gone too, but I left him in the running because it will be fun pissing off all the Bernie-loving Socialists when I tear him apart).

What we are left with are the four most qualified candidates. Now it's time to determine which one of them will make the best President. More accurately, we need figure out IF any of them would be a good President. Given the title of this blog, I think you can figure out my position. So let's take a look at the four candidates, in the order that I would vote for them (WARNING: Opinions to follow).

John Kasich

I actually really like Kasich as a Presidential candidate. If he were to get past the primaries he'd have a really good shot at grabbing the moderate vote. He supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants (so long as they are law abiding). He supports working with Muslim countries to combat the Islamic State. He supported expansion of Medicaid, even though he calls for repealing the Affordable Care Act (ACA). He acknowledges climate change, but doesn't favor drastic actions if they will cost jobs. He's about as moderate a candidate as there is.

Which is why he is getting destroyed by Trump and Cruz and Rubio in the elections. The Republican base hates him. He has no chance of winning the primary, and even if he did, he's still got some major flaws. He believes in deregulation. He's anti-abortion (except in cases of rape, incest, or if the mother's life is in danger). Not to mention that no one knows where he stands on Net Neutrality.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the best we have to offer. A legislator turned banker turned governor who wants to force women to have unwanted babies, might want allow your access to information to be controlled by your ISPs, and thinks that Climate Changes is real, but doesn't want to do anything about it. Because jobs. A solidly mediocre candidate all around. 

Hilary Clinton

Full disclosure. I hate Hillary Clinton. I registered to vote in 2000 solely to vote against her. I hated the way she carpetbagged her way into the New York Senate seat. I hate the role she played in the Benghazi situation. And despite all that, I'd still rather have her than Any Republican not named John Kasich. On the issues, she's your garden variety liberal Democrat. Pro choice... check. Pro gun control... check. Pro immigration reform... check. Pro ACA... check. I'm not even going to get into my views on her issues or her level of culpability in the Benghazi attacks. They're irrelevant.

The real problem with Hillary is simple... the emails. I know that to the lay person this isn't a big deal, but it is. I am intimately familiar with the rules and regulations regarding the classification of information, and the handling of such information. If I had done what she did I'd have been definitely fired, and maybe even put in jail. Do not pass go, do not collect a million dollars. Hillary, however, wants a promotion. What she did was reckless, and dangerous, and easily avoided. She chose her own convenience over protection of critical national security information. That's not what i want in a President nor should it be who you want in a President. The unfortunate reality is that she still might wind up being the best candidate, but only in the same way that a punch in the face is better than a kick in the balls.

Marco Rubio

This guy is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with politics and the Republican party. He opposes abortion under any circumstances. He opposes any immigration reform that includes amnesty. Worst of all, he wants to try and undo the Supreme Court's ruling on gay marriage. He's one of the new breed of Republican that just hates for the sake of hating.

Don't get me wrong. I've been a Republican for most of my life. I'm a huge fan of States Rights and Smaller Government. This guy, however, seems to want to screw over people just for the sake of screwing them over. If you really care about smaller government, you should care about keeping government out of people's lives. Oh, did I mention he was from Florida? You don't want a President from Florida. Florida is where all the bad things come from.

Bernie Sanders

Lastly we have this elections resident odd ball, Bernie Sanders. I call him an odd ball because his views are as unusual (with respect to Presidential elections) as was his path to the primary. He is the former Mayor of Burlington, VT and currently serving as Senator of Vermont.  Before that he was a drifter, spending nearly 18 years working odd jobs trying to build the socialist party. He couldn't hack it as a carpenter or a teacher. As best I can tell, he basically became a socialist because he was unqualified to do anything and was mad that he had to sleep on couches and squeak by, despite lack of marketable skills. But that's just me speculating. In either case, none of this makes him qualified to be President. While I don't mean to offend anyone who believes in his platform, you should all be aware that you are deluding yourselves if you think he'll make a good President. There's more to the Presidency than saying the right things. Look at Obama. He never closed Gitmo. He continued water-boarding programs. He basically abandoned the things that he campaigned on because he couldn't actually do them once he was President. Sanders will be the same thing.

Realistically, he'll have no power. Zero. None. A President can't do anything of value without Congress and the likely Congress that he'll be contending with will be so diametrically opposed to his ideas that you'll be lucky if he gets to do anything.

Also, he's never held an office that even REMOTELY prepares him for running the country. He served as Mayor of Burlington, VT. A "city" of about 50,000 people. In the middle of nowhere, Vermont. Also, as Senator, the only committees he's served on are focused domestically. His idea of foreign relations is sharing Maple syrup recipes with Canadians. I do not want someone like this running my country. I hate to keep foot stomping this point, but I don't want Bernie Sanders controlling my Roomba, let alone the military. 

Lastly, and this one is most important. In my opinion, Democratic Socialism is not an idea that resonates well with moderates and undecideds. Unfortunately, moderates and undecideds are who (generally) decide Presidential elections. With Donald Trump looming as the likely Republican nominee, Sanders winning the Democratic nod could be the path for Supreme Leader Trump. Do you REALLY want that? Do you? Do you? Search your feelings. You know you I speak the truth. You know you can't let this happen.

So where does this leave us, you ask? Fucked! That's where it leaves us. The most qualified candidate (Kasich) has no shot of winning his party nomination, let alone the general election. The second most qualified candidate (Clinton) is currently being investigated for possible crimes, and may very well lose to the other guy (unless the Super Delegates save her). The likely Republican candidate is Donald "Make America Great Again" Trump, who is sadly the second most desirable Republican option. At this point, the best we can hope for is a Trump-Sanders general election that spawns a magic candidate to run as an independent and steal the Presidency (most likely by forcing the House of Representatives to pick the winner when none of them get the required 270 electoral votes). 

Please excuse me while I go throw up in my mouth.